A few days ago I came across this song and it hit home to me on so many levels. Today my little Jaxton would be 3 months old. Not only by the date (the 7th), but also because it's a Wednesday (Dec. 7th was a Wednesday). There is parts of this song that don't relate but other parts that I can connect to in so many ways. The album the song is from is titled My December. Another part that connects with us.
These last three months I have learned so much about myself and those around me. I have made friendships that are willing to endure this excruciating road with me and others that have fallen away. I've realized how much more difficult it is and will forever be to have relationships outside of my marriage that understand or are willing to try to understand what I'm going through and that it is not over with. Three months to others is a long time. To me it still feels like yesterday. This is not something small our little family was dealt with. Our child died. That will forever be something that we will struggle with to get out of bed and face the day, each and every day. I appreciate the love and support I've been shown by so many close friends and family. It's unbearable at times to run into others and have a conversation as if nothing ever happened. As if I'm the person to them that I was before this happened.
I will never be that person again. It's a struggle to find happiness in others blessings. It's a constant battle of keeping our faith strong when we watch others be so blessed as we have been through the most unimaginable thing in this world. The pain is still and will forever be so unbearable at times. We have many good days but they are always followed with a day of absolute break down. Our emotions are still as raw on those days as they were the day he passed away.
.....
I've found some comfort in taking decorations to the Cemetery for each holiday. We recently received an email from the Cemetery that all decorations have to be removed at the end of the month unless they are part of the permanent headstone. Since he doesn't have a headstone yet and won't have one until closer to Memorial Day he will only have his name plague. That breaks my heart. I just cried and cried when Ry called me from work to tell me that. It has brought me comfort to be able to take things and make it look cute for him. It's something that is so important to me with Brinlee and I looked forward to sharing that with him also.
Brinlee has been up and down with understanding as well as having a difficult time with everything. Something Brin has always loved, and we try to do with her often, is opening up the blinds at night and looking at the stars and singing her favorite song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She loves to try to find the moon and tell us what it looks like that night. After we came home from the hospital we did this routine with her one night. She told us, "let's call the moon Baby Brother and tell him goodnight". Ever since then she will randomly look out the window at night and say, "goodnight Baby J I love you so much". She also recently started calling one of her dolls Baby J and she takes such good care of it.
That's where I struggle even more. Not only is this not fair and heartbreaking for Ry and I to go through, it is not fair that Brinlee has to go through it as well. She was so excited for him to be here. She loved helping with everything and anything to do with him. Some nights she begs me to bring him home because she misses him so much. I would give anything to be able to do that for her and us. It's not fair. Period.
Three months ago today I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't comprehend how blessed I was and how happy I felt. I couldn't wait to meet our son and bring him home to join our little family. The day dragged on waiting for his arrival. I had the best epidural in the world. I felt absolutely no pain the entire day, however I felt every movement he made. Not pressure, I felt his normal movements. His cute little kicks and the hiccups he frequently got. I felt his entire delivery as if I delivered naturally. I think that was a blessing I will forever be grateful for. I experienced the most perfect delivery. Not out of being easy, but out of feeling the most miraculous thing happening. With Brinlee my epidural didn't work so I felt everything, but it was clouded by the intense pain during her delivery. With Jaxton's delivery I had the best of both sides. No pain. Yet feeling everything like a natural delivery would feel. Holding him for the first time was indescribable. The spirit we felt from holding our precious baby who had just come from Heaven was overwhelming. I never thought I would feel that same spirit as I held him while he returned back to Heaven. I know he is safe, healthy, and happy. I just miss him so much. Knowing today he would be three months old and trying to imagine what he would look like and the milestones he would be hitting just break my heart into a million pieces. It's so difficult to collect myself and put the pieces back together.
Lately the number one thing getting me through each day is this quote,
"I never said it would be easy,
I only said it would be worth it." 
