The Worthys

I Won't Let Go

2012-02-12T21:28:00.004-07:00

On our way home from Ogden yesterday this song came on the radio. I loved it. Parts of it remind me of our time standing next to Jaxton while he fought so hard for his life. The other parts remind me of Ry and I being there for one another. Through all of this we have our ups and downs on opposite times. I'm so grateful for that. We have been able to be there for one another when we are at our worst. I'm so grateful for him. He has always been a great husband, dad, and friend. But through everything we have gone through we've grown so much closer. He is truly my best friend and I can't imagine going through this without him. He does so many extras when he knows I'm having a hard time. I came home from my weekly girls night with Holly (Thanks Holl!) and he had Brin in bed and he had my favorite treats out and candles lit. Him and Brin made me chocolate covered strawberries. He gave me a massage because my back has been having major issues and I've been in so much pain. It was so sweet. Then we ended our night watching our favorite show - Prison Break - Ya I know, super romantic end of the night ;) . Thanks for everything Ry. You are the best husband and dad. We are so lucky to have you!

Rascal Flatts - I Won't Let Go

It's like a storm

That cuts a path

It breaks your will

It feels like that

You think you're lost

But you're not lost on your own

you're not alone

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

If you can't cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let go

It hurts my heart

To see you cry

I know it's dark

This part of life

Oh it finds us all

And we're too small

To stop the rain

Oh but when it rains

I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

And you can't cope

I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let you fall

Don't be afraid to fall

I'm right here to catch you

I won't let you down

It won't get you down

you're gonna make it

Yeah I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you

I will help you through

When you've done all you can do

And you can't cope

And I will dry your eyes

I will fight your fight

I will hold you tight

And I won't let go

Oh I'm gonna hold you

And I won't let go

Won't let you go

No I won't

Aching Arms

2012-02-10T01:41:00.003-07:00

This week has been extremely difficult. I'm not sure why. I can't seem to "snap" out of it and get back to this new normal we have created. We went back to church for the first time Sunday and it was easier to get there than I thought it would be. Being there wasn't easy though. It was the first time we had been back to our church since Jaxton's Funeral. It was extremely painful to walk through those doors and into the Chapel. I felt prompted to bare my testimony and I'm grateful for the strength I was given to do so. Standing in front of everyone brought me back to a place I was scared to go to both physically and emotionally. It was bittersweet. It was a place that was excruciatingly painful yet so peaceful at the same time. I was able to hold my sweet and perfect baby there. The last day I was able to hold him was mostly spent in the church and then a short ride to the Cemetery. I love those reminders and the spirit I feel when I'm in those places that I was able to spend with him. Yet, it hurts more than I could ever imagine all at the same time.

I feel my entire chest caving in. It quickly becomes difficult to breathe and the sharp pains take over my entire body. Everything feels empty and cold. I cry so hard during those moments, no sound even comes out. It's all so empty.

I know people mean well but being there was so difficult. Very few people talked to us or asked how we were. I know its awkward and there is never the right thing to say but in those moments saying nothing hurts worse than saying the wrong thing. Going back that day I couldn't help but think that could have been the day we would have blessed him. He would have been 2 months old this week and that's when we had thought about blessing him. It's so unfair. How on earth did this happen to him and to us?

My arms physically ache every second to hold him. When I'm at home I hold tightly onto his stuffed animal crocodile. The night we came home from the hospital after he had passed away I got out his crocodile and held it close to me while I cried myself to sleep. I've held it each and every night since. At times I wake up in the night after a nightmare of hearing him cry or being pregnant again and sometimes I can't find his crocodile easily in my bed. I have a major anxiety attack until I find it and I feel some comfort as I hold onto it and think of him.

This last week I made an appointment with a specialist at U of U to go over everything that happened and make a plan for sometime in the future. Every time you see a new OB/GYN they ask to go over your history. I've gotten better at keeping calm and sticking to the facts as much as possible and trying to hold myself together until I'm off the phone. After going over everything with the receptionist she said, "so when did you have your stillborn?". WHAT? Had she listened to a word I said? I was so angry. I don't say this to mean that my loss was greater than the loss of a stillborn. It's just not what happened to him and I get to upset when his fight for life is taken as the idea of a stillborn. How can people be so thoughtless and act as though this is no big deal. I'm not looking for attention. Just an understanding that we aren't going to "get over this loss" quickly.

I've been told over and over again it's completely normal to be feeling progressively better and more stable and then to have one little thing crash that all and bring you right back to the beginning. That's where I've found myself this week. I'm struggling to find the strength and motivation to rebuild myself again.

I have faith that one day I will feel somewhat whole again and that these horrible crashes will become further apart.

Today Brinlee was watching cartoons before school and a commercial came on for a baby toy. She got so excited and told me she wanted to get that for Baby Brother. It's been a while since she has said something regarding him or where he is. It caught me so off guard and I wasn't sure how to respond. At church on Sunday after I sat back down from baring my testimony she told me, like she always has, Mommy I happy I miss Baby Brother. She is so precious and is so close to the spirit. She loves him and misses him so much. She was SO excited for him to be here with us. She has always loved babies and is so loving and helpful towards babies. She was thrilled that Mommy and Daddy were going to bring home a Baby Brother just for her.

I do have a testimony of Eternal Families and I know that we will be with him again. However, our pain is so intense at times that even though we have that knowledge it doesn't fulfill that intense heartache we feel. I want it to so desperately. I pray endlessly to find that peace and full understanding. Some days I do feel that and those days help me to hold onto my Faith and love for a wonderful Heavenly Father that loves each of us so much. He feels my pain and comforts me when I need it most.

"We knew before we were born that we were coming to the earth for bodies and experience and that we would have joys and sorrows, ease and pain, comforts and hardships, health and sickness, successes and disappointments, and we knew also that after a period of life we would die. We accepted all these eventualities with a glad heart, eager to accept both the favorable and unfavorable. We eagerly accepted the chance to come earthward even though it might be for only a day or a year. Perhaps we were not so much concerned whether we should die of disease, of accident, or of senility. We were willing to take life as it came and as we might organize and control it, and this without murmur, complaint, or unreasonable demands"--Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, 106

"Each of us will have our own Fridays-those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death-Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come." --Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come", Ensign, Nov. 2006, 28

"Because of Christ there is hope smiling brightly before you, and you need not worry too much about sickness, death, poverty, or other afflictions. The Lord will take care of you. Your responsibility is to keep the commandments, feast upon the words of Christ, and stay in the path to your heavenly home." --Julie B. Beck, "There Is Hope Smiling Brightly before Us", Ensign, May 2003, 103

Why

2012-02-02T23:47:00.001-07:00

"While understanding the “what” and the “how” of the gospel is necessary, the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel springs from the “why.” When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet."
--President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "Forget Me Not", November 2011 Ensign

The Sun Will Rise

2012-02-01T00:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the opportunity to go to Logan to get my hair done from my sweet sis in law, Allie. Before I left I grabbed my Kelly Clarkson CD that I haven't had a chance to listen to yet. I let it play through most the songs and skipped a few here and there. I can't even remember the last time I drove to Logan by myself. By the time Ry graduated from USU I hated the drive to and from Brigham while we were living in Logan. He was SO busy all the time that I found myself driving to our parents on a regular basis with Brin. That drive would feel so long and I stopped seeing how beautiful it really was. It's amazing how we can find ourselves so focused on the bad in our lives and be blind to the beautiful things we are constantly blessed with.

No matter how much I hated the drive I would always have to catch my breath as I exited the canyon overlooking all of Logan. It is absolutely breathtaking and for whatever reason brought me so much peace. Last night was no different.

I was extremely distracted for most all of my drive, but as I came around the curve at the end of the canyon all of my anxiety and heartache completely went away. At that same moment the next song on my CD started to play, "The Sun Will Rise". I hadn't heard this song before and it was exactly what I needed to hear at that given moment. The sun was setting and left the most beautiful amount of light over the valley. It took my breath away.

I felt so much peace and comfort in that moment.

Even though our hearts are breaking constantly and we miss our son more than words could ever come close to describing, there is still beauty all around us. There is still reasons to find joy.
I made a plan. An actual plan for the future. Something I didn't think would ever again be possible. I didn't want to even think about the future without him physically here with us. But I did it. I conquered my absolute fear. Moving forward. And I'm okay. I feel more peace than I ever thought I would be able to feel.

I made the decision to go back to school to pursue a degree in Nursing. I spent hours on the phone making arrangements and getting everything in order to begin school again. I feel so blessed with how things have fallen into place so far. I met with an Academic Advisor today and I have more credits than I realized. I only need to take Summer and Fall Semester to graduate with an Associate of Science Degree in December. I can apply to the Nursing Program this fall if all goes as planned. I know there is always set backs and things which come up to make our goals seem impossible, but I also never thought I could smile, laugh, or feel any form of happiness again without him here with us. And we have. Life isn't meant to be lived in sorrow. I'm not saying I don't feel that loss every second still, but I have to choose to find something positive to do or think about regarding him when I feel that heartache. I want to make him proud. As well as Ry and Brin. They deserve the best.
Happy 8 weeks Jax, your an inspiration to all of us - We love you and miss you so much!

(Turn off player on left side of our blog)

Up late as always...

2012-01-31T04:20:00.004-07:00

I love this bottom picture. It's fuzzy and the colors are off but I absolutely love how it shows how much hair he had. There was SO much on the back of his head as well as his cute little faux hawk. I still can't believe it was all blond hair (pictures make it look darker). I never thought I would have a baby with that light of hair. It was perfect, he was perfect.

Around 4 am after not being able to sleep, as usual, I was looking through Jaxton's photo album on my laptop. I realized there was a few pictures that I had that could be cropped to create new pictures of just him and up close. They are a bit fuzzy but I'm so grateful for these extra little pictures that I so desperately needed to see tonight. I miss him so much and I hate how quickly days continue to pass. I want to freeze time and be able to remember every small detail of him and the time we had with him. As it continues to get further away those fresh memories fade slightly and that's where I'm up so late each night attempting to relive those days with him to keep his memory alive.

I read a quote tonight that stood out to me and helped me at this time from the book I've been reading, "The Gateway We Call Death" by Russel M. Nelson...

"Parents who have surrendered the sweetest and smallest flowers from the family's garden need to remember our loving Heavenly Father. He has promised a special reward to those who now suffer in silence, who spend long days and longer nights through their trying times of bereavement. Our Creator has promised glory. He said, "For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand."(D&C 58:4.)

That promised glory includes the blessing of reunion with each little child who has left the family circle early to help surviving members of the family to draw nearer to God. Those little children still live and are a heritage of the Lord."

Random Thoughts...

2012-01-27T01:51:00.007-07:00

The last few weeks have been so up and down. I can have a few good hours and then something random can crash all courage and strength I had built up for the day. I'm struggling to find a good balance in my life. I find myself filling my days too full and by the end of the day I feel so awful. The pain is excruciating. The only way I know how to describe it is feeling the absolute worst homesick feeling followed by every muscle in my entire body aching so intensely I feel like I can't breathe. I hate that my day can be so busy, that I can do something other than grieve the loss of my son. It makes the pain even worse to realize not only does the world around us move on but we at some point have to move forward as well. And that's still not okay with me. I don't want to move forward. I don't want to live normally and make goals and plans for the future that he is not apart of now. All of our plans and dreams for the future have changed so drastically.

I'm still struggling to be able to go to the cemetery on my own. I've only been a few times since he passed away. Each and every time I can't handle the intense pain and heartache I feel. I just want to fall to the ground and dig at the dirt to get my son back. I can't comprehend it all still. The day of the funeral when we had to close his casket was so unbearable and the memory of that moment haunts me every second. These things aren't supposed to happen. I can't grasp that it truly did happen to our little family. I replay over and over again what I could have done differently. At times I find myself not able to deal with the fact we can't go back in time and change everything that happened. We are his parents. We should have protected him from all of this.

Random things...

I was on my favorite digital scrapbooking website the other day, Sweet Shoppe Designs, and I was browsing through their fonts for sale. I came across a font I remembered buying recently. I helped my friend Chaylia with my baby shower invites and I had gone to this website to get a font specifically for the invites and for his baby announcements. I looked at the title of the font and it said "Angel Baby". My heart skipped a beat. It took me a second to catch my breath. I couldn't believe that was the font I had chosen for the two things I was planning to make for him.

I heard a song on the radio the other day that I love, it's called Airplanes by B.O.B. It's those moments that are so hard for me. Things from my past that connect so much with this new future and remind me of Jaxton. He wore his little airplane outfit as his first and only outfit he would wear while he was alive. Now anything to do with airplanes reminds me of him.

A few weeks ago I got out his baby book to fill out. I only got a few pages into it when I realized the rest of the book were things that we were supposed to write down about his first year. I won't ever get to finish filling out that book. I threw it across our bed and curled up with his crocodile stuffed animal and cried so hard I could hardly breathe.

Ry and I wanted to get out a few weeks ago for a date night. We went to dinner at the Prairie Schooner and there was a family with 3 little kids that were seated directly across from us. They had a newborn baby boy with hair exactly like Jaxton's. He cried the entire hour we were there. I cried the whole way home. So much for night away from everything.

We went back out for our anniversary and our waitress was at least 8 months pregnant. I've never in my life had a pregnant waitress. I'm not just noticing it because of our circumstances. I remember this summer my neighbor who was also pregnant got a job as a waitress and I remember thinking I have never had a waitress who was pregnant. After dinner we went to the movie Sherlock Holmes. While we bought treats the 3 women working there were having a conversation about one of them who was pregnant and guessing what gender her baby was. I felt like I couldn't get away from it all. In the movie he dies and they do CPR on him. I about lost it. I just stared at the ground during the scene and all I could do was re live the horrible night that he died so suddenly. I've had so many nightmares about what went on when we weren't there when his little heart stopped beating.

It feels like a continual bad joke. When I think I can't feel any worse something random happens and I sink even deeper. It makes it hard to want to leave our home. The days I just stay home and spend a lot of time with just Brin as well as focusing on reading scriptures or taking more time to think of him and what he's doing now, I'm able to feel so much peace and comfort. It's when things get so busy around me or I have too many distractions that I lose that solid faith that he is happy and everything happens for a reason. I see other moms with newborn babies and my heart aches to hold mine. It feels so unfair that this happened to us. We tried so hard to get him here and he got here healthy. Why did this awful illness have to get to him after he was born? Why did he get sick at midnight when all the doctors were home in bed? Why was he getting better for so many days to crash so quickly? It feels endless the question as to Why this all happened and again the horrible feeling of wishing we would have done something, anything, differently to save him. I see friend's pictures of their babies who were born within days of him and I try to imagine what he would look like now and what he would be doing at this age. I know I will see him again one day. I know he lives and I feel him near me often. It's still so difficult to not have him physically here with us. I miss him so much every second of every day.

Parental Bereavement Act of 2011

2012-01-25T01:19:00.004-07:00

We feel so fortunate that Ryan was able to take off the time he needed, as well as the time I needed to have him here. Not everyone has that opportunity when they are grieving the loss of a child. I came across this website tonight and I'd like to pass it on. Please take the time to "sign" this act for all the parents that aren't allowed time off work to grieve with their families.

That time off work was not only beneficial for Ryan to grieve but it allowed us to grieve together as a couple. I've heard so many stories of couples later divorcing after the loss of a child.

Nothing in the world can describe the excruciating heartache that follows the death of your child. One minute you can breathe and the next you feel like your entire chest is caving in and you're hyperventilating. It's so easy to shut others out. Especially your spouse at times. Each person grieves differently and for Ry and I our first few days home we were on opposite pages. It was so hard to even be in the same room at times because one of us would be going through an angry part of grieving while the other couldn't stop crying. Again, that's why I say we were so blessed to have him have the long amount of time off work. After the funeral when things calmed down we were able to begin a new type of "normal" together before jumping back into a real "normal". We were able to spend so much quality time as a family that was so crucial in us getting through this together.

Please take the time to "sign" this Parental Bereavement Act of 2011 (click here)to help other families who are experiencing every parents worst nightmare. They currently have 31,357 letters sent to Congress and every single one helps. Thank you.

Jaxton's Funeral

2012-01-17T23:27:00.037-07:00

"Because Someone we love is in Heaven,

There's a little bit of Heaven in our Home."

"Sometimes the Smallest things

take up the most room in your heart"

-Winnie the Pooh

"Those we LOVE don't go away,

they Walk Beside us everyday,

unseen, unheard, but always near,

still LOVED still MISSED & very DEAR."

My talk for Jaxton's Funeral

Jaxton's Announcement

2012-01-17T20:55:00.003-07:00

I made Jaxton's annoucements the week before he was born. I just needed to add the 2 pictures, adjust the date, time, and measurements. I can't believe his birth annoucement would also include the day he died. I still ache every second of every day for him to be here with us. The pain is so unbearable at times I don't know how to keep going forward. I miss him so much. I still feel like I'm living a bad dream and it hurts more that words can describe every time I realize it all really did happen.

We are so grateful for the love and support we continue to receive

from so many wonderful family and friends.

Our Angel

2012-01-17T20:45:00.002-07:00

Lie

2012-01-12T16:48:00.001-07:00

For the first time since Jaxton has passed away I turned on my CD player in the jeep after dropping Brin off at school. I haven't wanted to enjoy anything since he passed. I absolutely LOVE my alone time to listen to music while I drive. Its just something that's always been a favorite stress relief for me. Our jeep's radio doesn't work very well so the only option is the CD player when I drive that vehicle. While I was pregnant Ry found our old David Cook CD we got back when I was pregnant with Brinlee.

There's a song that I have always loved and I was so excited to listen to it again when we found the CD. It's called Lie. I didn't even know what the song said. I'm weird with music. I find a favorite song and obsess for a while. It doesn't matter what the lyrics are I just love how certain songs sound. This song was one of those. I obsessed over it the last few months of my pregnancy. Whenever it was just Me and Jax driving around alone I would listen to this song. Its ironic now because this song's lyrics have so much meaning to me regarding what happened to him.

I knew he wasn't doing well. I knew I had had all of those feelings during pregnancy about him not coming home with us. But I didn't want to believe them. I wanted someone to just "lie" to me and tell me otherwise. I would re ask the NICU nurses the same questions over and over again attempting to force them into telling me when he would come home with us. I just wanted for a minute to have them lie to me and tell me he was going to come home. I wanted to feel that joy every new mom feels when they are able to take their newborn home for the first time. I just needed that feeling. I needed to have that happiness we had waited so long for.

(Turn off Playlist on left side of blog)

The Gateway We Call Death

2012-01-10T23:55:00.007-07:00

I've been having my hardest days the last few days with grieving and I've hated how I feel. I've hit the "anger" part of grieving and I want to move past it as quickly as possible.

There are things which I have mentioned previously regarding the testing that was done at the wrong timing that could have prevented this all from happening, however I can't change that now. I would love to speak with my doctor at some point regarding this. I don't want to have anger and resentment towards him. I just want him to make it right by being more mindful of how he runs his practice. The time he spends with his patients and the way he conducts certain testing. I've found myself dwelling on this subject the last few days. As well as certain things that went on at the hospital. 95% of everything and everyone at the hospital were great. There is just that 5% that is so opposite and I do feel there are certain things I'd like to address with the hospital at some point. It won't bring back my son or make up for what we went through, but if I can help someone else have a better experience in those few areas that were horrible for us to deal with, it will bring me more peace and closure. I don't want to get into those details now. Maybe another post when I've collected my thoughts in a better manner.

Tonight Ry gave me a blessing. It was something I was in desperate need of and it helped me find that peace I had begun to feel before this anger phase had started.

I was given a book called, "The Gateway We Call Death" by a good friend of mine. The book is written by Russel M. Nelson. I decided to finally start reading it and I'm so grateful that I did. Right in the first chapter of the book he says something that helped me remember everything I know and truly do believe in.

"We start to die the moment we are born. Why? The reason is simple. Our Heavenly Father wants us to return to him. He gave us life, and he provided the means by which we could return to him. Viewed from an eternal perspective, we live to die; and we die to live again."

It's so simply put and its the truth. It's amazing the comfort that is felt when we can push past the grieving and truly feel the spirit and remember how simple the Plan of Salvation really is. There is need to mourn for the loss of our son. We will continue to do so, there's no question about that. However, we also can rejoice in this Plan that we know to be true and even though the time we have here on earth seems as though it will be forever before we see him again, it's not. Like I mentioned in my talk for his Funeral, this life is like a knot on a very long string. You can't see the knot because it is so small compared to the string. That knot represents this life and the string represents Eternal Life. How short this life truly is compared to Eternity is amazing. It brings me so much joy to think of this earthly life in that way. To know I will see my beautiful Jaxton in what may feel like forever now will be here before we know it.

Chapter 3 in this book is exactly what I needed to read tonight. It helped me tremendously feel peace in how I'm dealing with grieving my earthly loss of my son and gave me an understanding of why it's necessary to do so.

"My heart goes out to each individual who bears the burden of mourning. I share my feelings of empathy and sympathy. The separation imposed by the departure of a loved one evokes pangs of sorrow and shock among those left behind. The hurt is real. Only its intensity varies. Even though we understand the doctrine--even though we dearly love God and his eternal plan--mourning remains. It is not only normal; it is a healthy reaction. Mourning is one of the purest expressions of deep love. It is a perfectly natural response--in complete accord with divine commandment:"Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die."(D&C 42:45.) Moreover, we can't fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life. The grief that we feel is not unknown to the Lord. It was he who said, "Blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."(3 Nephi 12:4)"

I do feel comfort and peace tonight. I know I may not feel this way in the morning and each day is so hard yet these moments of peace and comfort are what keep me going and provide hope for finding a way to continue living and continue to "Finding Joy in the Journey".

"If I Die Young"

2012-01-10T00:10:00.004-07:00

I heard the song "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry tonight and it hit me so hard.

Brinlee and I would listen to this song multiple times a day. I swear it was ALWAYS on the radio during the day while her and I were home during my ENTIRE pregnancy.

Every time the lyrics said,

"Lord make me a rainbow,

I'll shine down on my mother

She'll know I'm safe with you

when she stands under my colors, oh and

Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no

Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby"

Every time this part of the song played I would get emotional and shed tears for all those moms who have lost children and had to bury them. I can't believe I heard this song and those words stood out so loudly to me each and every time. I'm that mom now. I had to bury my beautiful son. I've joined a club I wish I would have NEVER had to join. I'm now a bereaved parent. I had never even heard that term "bereaved parent" before. Now I am one. I'm only 23. These things aren't supposed to happen this way. We are supposed to have babies (easily, might I add - no infertility was in the "fairytale plan") and raise our beautiful children and one day our parents will pass away and that's when we deal with this type of loss and pain. Not at 23. And especially not in the reverse order. Not our children. I feel so unprepared and devastated. I'm not quite sure where to "pick" up my life and move forward.

I read this quote in a book I received from the hospital after Jaxton's passing. Its a book regarding dealing with grief after a miscarriage (I could have used this book when I had my 3 miscarriages), still birth, and infant loss. They had a quote that put my feelings that night perfectly together.

"When your parent dies

you've lost your past,

but when your child dies

you've lost your future."

A Bad Dream

2012-01-09T15:14:00.004-07:00

Today is again another Monday. It's been 4 weeks today since we last held our sweet Jaxton while he was alive. My arms ache to hold him. I still feel like I'm living a bad dream that one of these days I will wake up in the morning and everything will be back to normal and he will be here and all this will be bad memory. I miss him more than words can describe. I know I will see him again. Those words bring comfort yet aren't comforting enough to fill the ache that is so unbearable most days.

First Presidency Message

2012-01-07T23:18:00.005-07:00

I have many wonderful family and friends who do not share the same faith as I do. I encourage those friends and family to still read this wonderful message by President Thomas S. Monson. It is beautifully written and applies to everyone regardless your beliefs. I hope it brings comfort and helps others as it has helped both Ry and I continue to move forward and make the best of the situation we have been given.

First Presidency Message:

Living the Abundant Life
By President Thomas S. Monson

At the advent of a new year, I challenge Latter-day Saints everywhere to undertake a personal, diligent, significant quest for what I call the abundant life—a life filled with an abundance of success, goodness, and blessings. Just as we learned the ABCs in school, I offer my own ABCs to help us all gain the abundant life.

Have a Positive Attitude
A in my ABCs refers to attitude. William James, a pioneering American psychologist and philosopher, wrote, “The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.”

So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.

Charles Swindoll—author, educator, and Christian pastor—said: “Attitude, to me, is more important than … the past, … than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.”

We can’t direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. For maximum happiness, peace, and contentment, may we choose a positive attitude.

Believe in Yourself

B is for believe—in yourself, in those around you, and in eternal principles.

Be honest with yourself, with others, and with your Heavenly Father. One who was not honest with God until it was too late was Cardinal Wolsey who, according to Shakespeare, spent a long life in service to three sovereigns and enjoyed wealth and power. Finally, he was shorn of his power and possessions by an impatient king. Cardinal Wolsey cried:
Had I but served my God with half the zeal
I served my king, He would not in mine age
Have left me naked to mine enemies.

Thomas Fuller, an English churchman and historian who lived in the 17th century, penned this truth: “He does not believe that does not live according to his belief.”

Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities.

You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.

Face Challenges with Courage

C is for courage. Courage becomes a worthwhile and meaningful virtue when it is regarded not so much as a willingness to die manfully but as a determination to live decently.

Said the American essayist and poet Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Whatever you do, you need courage. Whatever course you decide on, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires some of the same courage that a soldier needs. Peace has its victories, but it takes brave men and women to win them.”

There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel like David trying to fight Goliath. But remember—David did win!

Courage is required to make an initial thrust toward one’s coveted goal, but even greater courage is called for when one stumbles and must make a second effort to achieve.

Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, “I’ll try again tomorrow.”

May we remember these ABCs as we begin our journey into the new year, cultivating a positive attitude, a belief that we can achieve our goals and resolutions, and the courage to face whatever challenges may come our way. Then the abundant life will be ours.

http://lds.org/liahona/2012/01/living-the-abundant-life?lang=eng

Preschool

2012-01-07T14:47:00.004-07:00

Brin started Pre School again! I took her out of it a few months ago because my pregnancy had gotten so bad and it was so hard to do much of anything at all.

She was so excited to start again. She started at a new preschool and she loved it! She looked so cute too! I just love this little girly!

Happy Birthday Ry!

2012-01-07T14:01:00.006-07:00

Happy Birthday Ry! He turned 27 this year! The best part was I told him a few days before his birthday, "I can't believe how old you are! You're going to be 26 this year, that is so old! I'm going to be 24 this year that seems crazy to me. Wait if I'm turning 24 you're 3 years older than me so you should be turning 27". Obviously I've had pregnant brain all year and thought he was still 25 this year and turning 26! The best part of this conversation is he just smiled and waited patiently for me to figure all of that out on my own before even responding. It was hilarious. We celebrated Ry's birthday the day before on Wednesday the 4th. (His birthday is January 5th)

I bought "trick" candles that keep relighting themselves...out of 27 "trick" candles only 1 of them worked! Oh well, it was still so funny watching him re blow out the same candle 10 times!

This girl LOVES balloons and parties! Instead of playing "house" with friends or her cousins when they come over she has them play "Birthday Party" and they create these big parties in the Toy Room. Its so cute to see them be so creative and love something like I do!

I tried to stay as busy as possible the day of his party. It was hard again as usual to imagine and deal with our Jaxton not being there with us while we celebrated his Daddy's birthday. Not just that but it was his 4 week birthday. We have pictures up in our bedroom of our first professional family pictures taken with Brinlee when she was 4 weeks old and I would give anything to be having family pictures taken on his 4 week birthday. We miss him so much. My nightmares are becoming worse and more in depth. Mornings are hard and its been so hard having Ry back at work this week as well as the rest of our families.

I'm so grateful I have sweet little Brinlee who wakes me up in the morning by tickling my nose with her giant stuffed animal giraffe's tail and she just giggles and giggles. It helps ease the pain of everything else when she hugs me and tells me she loves me in the morning or at night when I'm having such a hard time. Last night I was singing to her and I started to cry. I usually "pet", as she calls it, her forehead while I sing to her at night and when I started to cry she kept singing I am a Child of God and she "pet" my forehead. She also added to the song while she was singing to me, "Baby brother lives with Jesus Christ and he takes care of him in heaven for us." She is so sweet and I'm so blessed to have her.

Happy "Late" New Year!

2012-01-07T13:02:00.003-07:00

We had a great New Year's Eve/New Year. We usually don't do much for New Year's. This year our great friends Chris and Brit invited us to a fun party at their home. We had great food and played fun games! Thanks guys!

When we got home we took a picture together as a family. It was almost 2 am and Brin was NOT having the best night. Her cute cousins were there to play with in the afternoon and we always have "cousin withdrawals" for a day or so after they go back home to Idaho. I love how much her and her cousins get along, they LOVE each other like crazy and I love that she has them. I just hate when they leave, it breaks her little heart. I wish we lived closer to each other!

It was heartbreaking to "ring" in the New Year without little Jaxton here with us. Like I've said in previous posts and probably will repeat this in many posts to come, I have envisioned him here with us for each and every holiday and what each holiday would be like this year with him here. Our friend's have a beautiful display in their living room of their 5 children's baby pictures and when it was midnight everyone went outside to do fireworks. Brinlee was scared of the fireworks so her and I stayed inside and played with cards. I looked up and saw their display and looking at their 4 little boys in their blessing outfits made my heart just ache for my little boy to be here and the realization of those things we will never have of him like a blessing outfit and pictures, we only have about 50 pictures of Jaxton while he was alive. 50. And most of those are of him bundled up in a hospital blanket or getting his bath. I'm so grateful I took the picture of him on my phone, the one we used in the obituary. Even though it isn't the best quality, it's the only one we have of him straight on like that and dressed.

I try not to do this to myself but it's so hard not to be mad at myself for the little things. With Brinlee we had her dressed and in her own blanket the moment she was born. I would give anything to go back and at least have done that with him so he could have been wrapped up in his own blankey and not the hospitals. I wish I wouldn't have spent so much time worrying about nursing or sharing our news of his arrival with everyone. I wish I would have just held him and enjoyed him those few hours. We wanted so desperately to do things differently with him when he was born. We had so many problems with feeding Brin when she was born and we wanted to make sure we did everything we could to allow him the opportunity to nurse. I would give anything to go back and just hold him and kiss him that first hour while he was so alert and awake with those beautiful eyes wide open looking at both Ry and I.

I wish we wouldn't have sent him to get a bath. That took almost a hour of him being gone. I want that time back so badly. Its all I can think about. I wish I hadn't told Ry to stop recording the video after he was born, I wanted to make sure we had pictures of those first moments. I'd much rather have more video. We only recorded 7 minutes after he was born. I wish we had it all recorded. I wish I would have gone with whatever was telling me to have Amber, she's the photographer that has done all Brin's pics, to be there to take pictures during the delivery. I even called and asked her about a month before he was born if she would do something like that. She was all for it and then I got nervous of having someone else in the room with us and I would give anything to have just called her and had her come that day so Ry could have recorded everything and we'd still have the pictures too.

My biggest regret is allowing myself to find full and complete confidence in my doctor and not researching everything about my own pregnancy on my own. I wish I hadn't have had to learn this lesson this way. Question your doctor, learn about everything you are being told and medicine your getting or tests being done. I knew I had been tested for Group B Strep with both him and Brin but because I tested negative I never bothered to even look into what I was being tested for and how serious it really is. If only I had looked into it and made my doctors office test me in the correct time 35-37 weeks pregnant instead of them testing me at 33 weeks. ALL of my research has said 35-37 weeks because Group B Strep can come and go throughout pregnancy and the WHOLE point in testing at all is to ensure during delivery that you are given antibiotics and your baby is monitored for ANY signs of infection(which he was showing 7 out of 14 signs within the first few hours) and some hospitals test once you are admitted to be induced to make absolute sure you are negative. When I addressed this with my doctor's office I was told 32 to 33 weeks is JUST when they test, then I was hung up on. Its the most awful feeling to know if I had the test at the correct time I could have tested positive and had all the treatments and prevent all of this. He would still be here. With us. In his my arms right now. All because of a stupid test and a doctor's own opinion of when to test, against all advice from the CDC and any Neonatologist. My baby isn't here with us and we are left with an emptiness that can't be fixed or filled.

I don't mean to sound so angry or bitter. I'm just so sick of hearing how "rare" this really is to have a baby die from this because of the testing that should take place and the antibiotics that work so well in those first few hours. My poor baby had to go through SO much and he could have been spared all of that by a simple test at the right time. He was healthy. He was perfect. The illness did all of this. An illness that could have been taken care of early on and he would be here. Healthy. Happy. With us.

http://www.groupbstrepinternational.org/info_main.html

Go to this website and learn more about this. Especially if you plan on becoming pregnant or are already pregnant. Be aware of the signs. MAKE your doctor test you at the right time and even the hospital test you before you get induced. Whatever the cost may be to be tested multiple times. Just have it done. 25 percent of women carry Group B Strep. Also be aware there is what is called Late Onset Group B Strep which is where the baby gets the infection a week to a few months after he/she is born. It can be spread not only by the mother. It can be spread by someone who has it and simply not washing your hands after going to the bathroom and touching the infant. Learn what the signs are. Protect your baby from this awful disease and share this information with everyone you know so this doesn't happen to another innocent baby.

Jaxton's Videos

2012-01-05T02:52:00.004-07:00

The few posts below this one are of the delivery of our beautiful little Jaxton. Blogger wasn't working for me with uploading the videos so that's why there is lots of small clips of videos. These videos melt my heart yet break it all at the same time. He was so perfect and that little cry was so sweet to hear. I'd give anything to hear that cry right now and comfort him, hold him, and give him lots of kisses. I'm so grateful we have these little videos and can always watch them as time passes and our memories begin to fade of those four short hours we spent as a family.

I receive weekly LDS quotes in my email and this one really stood out to me this last week.

"A home is much more than a house built of lumber, brick, or stone. A home is made of love, sacrifice, and respect. We are responsible for the homes we build. We must build wisely, for eternity is not a short voyage. There will be calm and wind, sunlight and shadows, joy and sorrow. But if we really try, our home can be a bit of heaven here on earth. The thoughts we think, the deeds we do, the lives we live not only influence the success of our earthly journey, they also mark the way to our eternal goals."
--President Thomas S. Monson, "Heavenly Homes, Forever Families", World Wide Leadership Training February 2006

(Press pause on the Playlist to the left to be able to hear the videos)

Jaxton Video .1.

2012-01-05T02:44:00.005-07:00

These three videos are supposed to be black, I just wanted to be able to post the sound part and not the actual delivery. Also, on all these videos the picture quality isn't the best. I played the dvd on my laptop, then recorded the video clips with my camera to upload to blogger. So it made all the colors looks funny, especially his skin tone.

Jaxton Video .2.

2012-01-05T02:21:00.003-07:00

Jaxton Video .3.

2012-01-05T02:09:00.003-07:00

Jaxton Video .4.

2012-01-05T01:50:00.003-07:00

Jaxton Video .5.

2012-01-05T01:17:00.003-07:00

Mondays

2012-01-02T14:11:00.001-07:00

Today was especially difficult for me. Today was Monday. Mondays are not my favorite day. My sweet baby Jaxton passed away on Monday December 12. I realized this morning it had been 3 weeks since he passed away. 3 whole weeks already. How is that possible. It feels like time has stood still for us yet 3 weeks have gone by already. The day after he passed away I remember thinking if I can get through the first week the following week would be easier and so forth. So far that hasn't happened. Each week is becoming more difficult to face and get through. Each week means its one more week since I was able to see and hold my sweet and perfect little baby.

Mornings are still hard and continue to be just as hard each day as the last. I have dreams of either being pregnant still or him being home with us. I wake up every half hour throughout the night reliving everything. Remembering that I'm no longer pregnant and those so real feelings during my dream of him moving and kicking inside of me aren't real. My insides ache and feel empty. I have to relive that he isn't home with us. I dream that I hear him crying in the night and I wake up to go comfort him and realize he isn't here. Once morning finally comes I'm so exhausted and emotionally drained from the night that I just feel lost and completely empty inside.

I usually feel somewhat "normal" and up to getting out of the house by the afternoon. I'm so fragile though that the smallest thing I see or someone says can crush every ounce of strength I had built up before leaving the house. I went to Sam's Club the other day and was doing good. I hadn't seen a single baby yet (which is rare, and usually puts me over the edge). Then we walked past the baby clothes and my first thought was, "Oh look they have new pajamas in the baby sizes. I bet they have some he doesn't have yet." Then I again relive the fact that my baby isn't here and we don't need any more pajamas or anything else to prepare for him to be home with us.

I hate that it gets dark early in the winter. The moment it gets dark is another realization that it will soon be night time and the nightmares will begin again. The moments that hurt the most are the ones where I am doing something that I had envisioned doing with him here for 9 months. I was getting Brin ready for bed the other night and I sang to her like always and it was in that moment I realized I had envisioned every night while I was pregnant being able to sing to both of them at night and put them both to bed.

I'm so grateful for all of our wonderful family, friends, and ward members who have been so kind and helpful during all of this. I'm so grateful to all those who have continued to text or call even just to say hi or how are you. We realize everyone has their own lives, their own children and even their own problems they are facing. But right now for us our world has stopped and we are so lost. It helps so much to be thought about and to feel like our little Jaxton is still remembered.

A Beauitful Poem

2011-12-19T12:01:00.001-07:00

I found this poem today and it touched my heart so much.

It helped me feel so much peace and comfort.

I thought of you and closed my eyes,

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother,

And I know I heard him say:

A mother has a baby,

This we know is true.

But, God, can you be a mother,

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can he replied,

With confidence in his voice.

I give many women babies,

When they leave is not thier choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb,

But theres no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish that I could show you,

What your child is doing today,

If you could see your child smile,

With other children who say:

We go to earth and learn our lessons,

Of love and life and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much,

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a mom,

Who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much,

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear.

"Mommy don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I'm here."

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are Ok.

Your babies are here in My home,

They'll be at heavens gate for you.

So now you see what makes a mother.

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of,

Right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother,

until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day,

And you'll know that you're the best one!

~Author Unknown

My Talk for Jaxton's Funeral

2011-12-18T18:09:00.001-07:00

We were blessed with Jaxton Ryan Worthy on December 7, 2011 at 7:49 pm. He weighed 6 pounds 7 ounces and was 18 inches long. He passed all the healthy newborn tests and he had the sweetest little cry. He was perfect.

I would like to somewhat go over a timeline of Jaxton’s life. On Brinlee’s 1st Birthday we found out we were pregnant again. At 12 ½ weeks along we miscarried. 2 months later we were pregnant again only to miscarry at 6 weeks. Again two months later we were pregnant again and miscarried at 6 weeks. In March 2010 we started infertility. A year later in March 2011 I decided that was my last month of trying infertility. I was so exhausted and emotionally drained I couldn’t handle another month of letdown. I took the pregnancy test and it was positive. We couldn’t believe it and we felt so blessed.
We saw our doctor when I was 6 weeks along and we saw the most perfect little baby with a perfect heartbeat. Each appointment he got bigger and was so healthy.
I loved the day I first felt him move. It was so special. Each day I felt so blessed that we made it through another day without miscarrying him.
During the middle of my pregnancy I kept having strong feelings that he wasn’t going to come home with us. I didn’t know why I felt this way, I thought I was having these feelings because of the 3 previous miscarriages. I tried everything possible to make these feelings go away. I bought everything I could think of. Rearranged everything in our home over and over again. I re organized our entire house, every closet, every drawer hoping that the cleaner it was I would feel he would come home with us.
Towards the last few months of my pregnancy I started having the awful feeling that he was going to be still born. I would cry every night to Ryan and pray endlessly that this would not happen. I felt that if I delivered him near my due date of December 25 he would be still born. He was born at 37 weeks. We later found out from nurses and doctors that because of how sick he was he had a high chance of being still born had I delivered any later than that.
I just feel so blessed he was born the day he was. That we were able to spend 4 beautiful hours with him before he became so sick.
During my pregnancy we had been working towards going through the Temple as a family. Once I started having all of these feelings I knew we had to go through before he was born. I’d like to thank our Bishopric and Brother Hall for helping us make this possible. It was such a perfect day and our sweet Brinlee looked so beautiful all dressed in white. It gives me great comfort to know we are sealed together for time and all eternity.
When I was a teenager in Sunday School, one sunday Sister Miskin gave a lesson that has always stuck with me. She handed one person one end of a string and across the room she handed the other end to another person. She had each of us run our fingers down this string and a 1/3 of the way into it was the tiniest knot that from looking at the string you wouldn’t have been able to see it. That knot represented our time here on earth. The rest of the string was eternity. Throughout the last few days I’ve kept that lesson in my mind to help me through my darkest hours of grieving. It’s not easy to do but if we can always remember that lesson and how short this life really is in the bigger perspective we can make it through the most difficult things we face.
Jaxton was born at 7:49 pm on Wednesday December 7, 2011. Ryan stood by him while he had all the newborn tests done and held his little hand. We were told he was perfectly healthy. The moment they handed him to me all wrapped up in a blankey he immediately stopped crying and stared at me. He was so beautiful. We spent some wonderful time with him just Ry and I before we let anyone visit. My parents were there when he was born so they had the opportunity to hold him and spend a little time with him. After that the nurse took him to have his first bath I remember during that time my heart aching for him to hurry and get bathed and come back to me. I hated being away from him. They brought him back and he was so calm and looked so perfect. They did his hair to look like his daddy’s. He had lots of cute blond hair all spiked up. He was wearing his airplane pajamas that looked so cute on him. Ryans parents came shortly after and brought his sister Shelby and our sweet little Brinlee. Brin couldn’t come see him because of it being winter they don’t allow children under 14 to come in. Ry sat with her in the waiting room and called me from his phone. I put the phone up to Jaxton’s ear and let Brinlee talk to him. The first thing she said was “I love you so much baby brother” she kept repeating that sentence. She also told him how she was so excited to meet him and bring him home. Jax looked straight at the phone and kicked his little legs while she talked to him. Ry’s parents and Shelby had the opportunity to hold him while they were there and I’m so grateful both grandparents were able to hold him before he became sick.
After they left I had some time alone with Jaxton while Ry helped get Brinlee in their car. I am so grateful for that moment I had with him. I rocked him and sang “I Am A Child of God”. He stared at me with those beautiful eyes and I felt so much peace and comfort in that moment. I have sang that to Brinlee since the day she was born when I put her to sleep at night and I was so grateful that I could have that with him as well.
Ryan came back to the room and we had a small amount of time with him as a family before he began to make a painful cry. Our nurse took him for observation and to run a few tests. 2 hours later she brought him back to us to hold him for a few minutes before they took him to the nicu. It was so hard to hear him cry in pain and I would have given anything to take that away for him. We cried and held him for a few minutes and then he was taken to the nicu. That morning we were told to prepare for the worst. He had some fluid in his little lungs but there was something worse going on because he wasn’t responding to anything they were giving him. They did a blood culture and within a few hours they told us he had a severe blood infection. 24 hours later they found out it was Group B Strep as well as sepsis. I had tested negative for it while I was pregnant. They think the only way for him to have it this severe is it entered the placenta and the amniotic fluid.
They started him on antibiotics and we had to wait 5 hours to be able to see him. The moment we walked into the nicu was one of the hardest and most devastating moments of my life. He had tubes in him everywhere and he was hooked up to a ventilator which made him shake horribly. There were machines surrounding his little bed. I’ve never felt more helpless before. My poor little baby didn’t deserve this. The next few days he fought so hard and was improving so much each day. It felt like every few hours we would go in he would be off of another machine or medicine.
Monday afternoon he was having a hard time. We went to see him and the nicu was in chaos. They had two more babies come in that afternoon and the nurses were all running around like crazy. His sats kept dropping drastically and they would up his medicine to stabilize him. They had to re do his ventilator tube and his central line so we left while they did these procedures. It was so hard to leave my baby with them at that moment. Not knowing why he was struggling so bad so quickly. We weren’t able to go back to the nicu until 5 pm when they opened up again. This time the nicu was calm and quiet again. He was stable and looked so peaceful. They had lowered his sedation medicine so he was moving his arms, legs, hands, and feet more. We sat next to him quietly for a few hours and just watched him move around. It was so comforting to see this improvement. He was beginning to release so much fluid so the swelling in his arms and legs had gone down so much. He still had almost 2 pounds of fluids sitting on his tummy and in his little cheeks. But everything was looking promising.
Ry’s dad came and him and Ry gave him another blessing. We all felt so much peace. Bishop Shakespeare and Brother Post came to visit and ry went out and talked with them while I had some alone time with Jax. It was the first time since he’d been in the nicu I was able to just sit by him without the nurses having to work on him. It was so sweet to see his little personality showing. He hated the rolled up towel between his legs and he kept moving his little foot up and then would kick it as hard as he could to move it. He kept feeling for the cords on his chest and would play with those. He found the blanket draped over his head to keep out light and he would run his hand along the side until he found the top and he’d keep his hand up and feel the blanket. I was mesmerized by him. Everything he did and the overwhelming spirit I felt as I sat next to him. I felt so proud to be his mom. He started to get tired and rest his hands and feet a little more so I told him to get some sleep and we’d be back in the morning. I told him how proud I was of him and how grateful I was that he was mine. He reached his little hands out towards me and held my fingers while I kept telling him how much I loved him. I kissed his little hands and told him goodnight.
Ry was just walking back to the nicu when I was leaving and I told him to have some alone time with him as I had. I am so grateful we both had that special time with him that night. We left the hospital at 9 pm feeling so great and so much peace we couldn’t believe it. We were staying at my sweet cousin Kristy’s house in Layton during all of this and when we got to her home we sat and talked with her about our day.
At 10 pm we got the phone call from the nicu telling us he had taken a turn for the worst and to get there as soon as possible. The drive there was the most awful and painful ride. We hit every red the light the entire way there and I didn’t think we would make it in time.
The doctor met us outside the nicu to tell us Jaxton’s heart had suddenly stopped beating and they did cpr and every extreme measure possible. After 25 minutes it started to beat again but there was so much damage and he had no oxygen going to his brain for that entire time. They walked us back to see him and we both broke down. He was so swollen and looked so sick. We held his hands and Ry gave him a name and a blessing.
I’m so proud of Ryan and that he was able to do that for Jaxton in that moment. He gave a beautiful blessing. The doctor gave us 2 options. We could keep him on the ventilator and he would be in horrible pain for maybe a few hours or a day or we could take him off the ventilator and let him pass peacefully in our arms. That was the hardest moment of my entire life. No parent should have to make that decision. We both knew what choice we had to make but it was the most painful thing to do.
We sat in their bonding room while they got him dressed in his airplane outfit and all cleaned up. They brought him to us and I held him and rocked him and we both sang “I Am A Child of God” to him before he left us. He returned home to our Heavenly Father at 11:02 pm. We spent a few hours holding him and singing to him. He is so precious and we miss him more than words could ever describe. He is our angel baby now and we can’t wait for the day we get to hold him in our arms again and for his big sister Brinlee to finally meet him. I’m so grateful for knowledge I have that families can be together forever. What a blessing it is to know that one day I will see my sweet little Jaxton again and our family will be together again.

Pictures of our little Angel Jaxton

2011-12-18T14:30:00.007-07:00

Jaxton Ryan Worthy

2011-12-18T14:23:00.003-07:00

We were blessed with Jaxton Ryan Worthy on December 7, 2011 and he returned home to our loving Heavenly Father peacefully while being held in his Mommy's arms on December 12, 2011.

We miss him more than words can describe. He was born perfect and healthy as far as the nurses and doctor could tell. We spent 4 hours with him before he started to painfully cry and became so sick. We are left with a hole in our hearts and a pain so unbearable at times we don't know how to live through. We feel so blessed we had what little time we had with him. He has changed our lives forever and we can't wait until the day we can see him again.

I'm not up to writing a whole lot about everything that happened in the last 2 weeks but someday I hope to be able to.

Baby Shower

2011-11-28T01:18:00.003-07:00

My friend Chaylia threw me a baby shower in October. It was so cute and so much fun! I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful family and friends in my life that support me in everything! It was so good to see everyone and catch up a little! Only a little over a week now and we will have our little guy here and get to try out all the fun things I got at my shower for him! Thanks again to everyone that came and a BIG thanks to Chaylia for throwing it for me! :)

Gina, Judy, Hailey, and Gage

Parker, Michelle, and I

"Ready to Pop" Popcorn favors

Nichole and I - She is due a week before me.

The treats!

Amy, Jenn, and I

Allie, Shelby, Gene, Jenn, and Tac

Steph, Ethan, and I

Chaylia, Amy, Sarah, and I

Chaylia and I

Megs, Shandi, Apes, and I

Witchapalooza

2011-11-26T01:36:00.000-07:00

My sister and brother in law came to visit from England for 5 days in October and it was SO good to see them! We packed the days full with all sorts of fun things. One of those things was going to Witchapalooza at Gardner Village. We all dressed up with our witches hats and went shopping and to the dinner show! It was so fun! I hope they can come again soon because not seeing them for 3 years is WAY too long!

Baby Update

2011-11-24T11:46:00.003-07:00

We had a doctor appointment on Wednesday morning and our baby boy is officially due December 14 now and it looks like he will be starting me a week early! Baby already is weighing in at 6 pounds 12 ounces! If I get started in 2 weeks that puts him just a little bigger than Brinlee was when she was born (7 pounds 6 ounces). We can't wait to meet him! My bags are packed and have a permanent spot in the backseat of our car ;)

False Alarm

2011-11-21T15:22:00.005-07:00

Friday (18th) I had a doctor appointment and our baby boy was still measuring 2 weeks bigger which put him around 37 weeks big. I was dialated to a 1 and 50% effaced. My doctor told me if I go into labor he wouldn't stop the contractions at this point...

Saturday night I started having contractions around 8 pm. They were about 3 to 5 minutes apart so we got all packed up and dropped Brin off with Ry's parents. On the way to Ogden Regional from Brigham the contractions were under a minute apart! When we got there at 10:45 I got checked and was only at a 1 still. They waited a hour and there was still no progress so she called the on call doctor and he told her to give me the medicine to stop the contractions. That didn't work so a hour later I got the second round of the medicine. My contractions were still about 1-2 minutes apart so they did another round of the medicine. I HATED that stuff. It made my entire body shake uncontrollably from the first dose until 7 hours later! She also gave me a shot of morphine in my hip, which hurt so so bad and didn't do anything for the pain. By 2:30 am she hooked me up to an IV and after I got lots of fluids in me the contractions spread out to about 10 minutes apart. We were sent home at about 4:30 am.

I was so bummed! I was so excited to meet him that night and it never crossed my mind after having contractions that close together that we would be coming home still pregnant! 2 days later I am still so exhausted and sore from Saturday night.

On a happier note only a few more days until Thanksgiving! That will help keep me distracted! I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving! :)

Our Special Day

2011-11-04T23:00:00.002-06:00

On November 4th 2011 our family had the opportunity to be sealed in the Salt Lake City Temple. We have waited a long time for this day and it couldn't have been more perfect. We had to be quick about the whole process once we had our Recommends because I'm due so soon. We got them Sunday October 30th. The Temples were closed Monday the 31st. So Tuesday morning November 1st we called first thing that morning and scheduled my Endowments for November 2nd in the Logan Temple and our sealing for November 4th in the Salt Lake Temple! So it was a hectic week! It worked out great and we feel so blessed how quickly and how great everything turned out.

.......

November 4th was a special day for us because it is the day we got engaged outside the Salt Lake Temple in 2007. We also went to eat at the Macaroni Grill with our family and friends who were able to make it on such short notice afterwards. That's where we ate the night we got engaged. We got out of the Temple after it was dark (and freezing) so we only got a few pictures of us before we ran to our car! We plan to go back in the Spring with our families and have lots of pictures taken.

(Just a side note: CHECK out that belly! I've always known he sits a hundred percent on my right side but this shirt/picture shows that BIG time! Not the most flattering outfit!)

Going to the Temple was the most amazing experience. We were so blessed to have family and friends there to support us and to add to the wonderful spirit which was felt there. When Brinlee walked in dressed in all white we were all overwhelmed by the spirit. I feel so blessed to have a testimony of the plan of salvation and to have been baptized exactly 4 1/2 years ago on March 4th 2007. Life doesn't always work out how you plan it to but it's such a blessing to know that if you stay worthy of the Temple blessings you know what to look forward to at the end of this life regardless of the ups and downs during this journey.

Endowments

2011-11-02T16:18:00.000-06:00

On November 2nd I was able to go to the Logan Temple and do my Endowments. It was a beautiful day and so special. My friend Jenn was able to come with me and I was so grateful to have her there as well as other friends and family that came to support us. I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to go to the Temple. I love my husband so so much and I'm so grateful we are able to continually help one another be our best we can be to be able to receive the wonderful blessing the Temple has to offer.

Happy Halloween!

2011-11-01T16:38:00.000-06:00

Brin and Lili had so much fun Trick or Treating at Walmart and Kents! I didn't know those stores did that for kids. It was great! Brin was done after the two stores though. She only lasted a few houses and then wanted to go home and hand out candy. We had a fun night at home with hot chocolate, donuts, and Halloween movies!

Willard Bay Halloween

2011-10-20T16:27:00.000-06:00

We took Brin and went with Ry's family to the Willard Bay Halloween Lights/Activities. The kids all had fun except for when they saw the witch who was supposed to read the kids stories...she was dressed up like an evil witch. So story time didn't happen! But all in all they had lots of fun and afterwards we went to the Yog to get ice cream!

Peach Days

2011-10-07T12:47:00.004-06:00

We had a great time at Peach Days this year! I love driving down Main Street when they start setting up for Peach Days each year, its almost always the same thing but it is always exciting and we are able to create so many new memories each year!

Brin had a blast getting to ride rides with her cousins, Kambri and Kaylee!

Brin got to ride some rides with Lili after the parade! They LOVED these cars/motorcycles. We were only able to stay a little while because it was SO hot that afternoon!
.....

Brin was determined to go on this bouncy slide.... we tried to tell her how big it was but she wouldn't listen!

Then she got to the top and realized how high up she was! She was shocked and so so scared! I felt so bad and we were trying to figure out how to get up there to help when her foot slipped and so she had no choice but to slide down. The rest of peach days she kept telling us how much she did NOT like that bouncy slide!

She was SO scared of the gun shots and after that wasn't a huge fan of the parade!

1st Day of Preschool - Baby Ultrasound Day

2011-09-06T17:00:00.004-06:00

Ry was able to work on Monday, Labor Day, and take off today, Tuesday, instead. Which worked out perfect because today was two big events for our family! Brinlee had her first day of preschool and we had our appointment for our BIG ultrasound!

Check out that wild hair, when her bangs hang straight down - we are trying to grow them out - she totally pulls of a mullet look!
Not wanting to wake up yet!

Sooo out of it!

Daddy made her breakfast for her first day of school - her fav. Mickey Mouse Pancakes and noodle eggs!

We started eating and she got mad at us for not saying the prayer. It was the first time she talked this morning too. She is so cute!

Baby Boy Ultrasound!

He is so cute!! He wouldn't move his hands away from his face but we were able to get a quick peek when he moved a little bit! He is now 1 pound 9 ounces and everything is perfectly healthy! We can't wait to meet him! :)

Blessings

2011-09-05T00:59:00.003-06:00

Back in March we began our last round of Clomid. My dose had tripled over the 8 month period and we were having no luck getting pregnant still. I was so emotionally and physically drained. We decided that would be our last month of dealing with infertility issues. It has consumed our lives for almost 2 years and I needed a break from it all.

Well mid April we found out we were expecting! I've never felt so relieved/happy before. Especially after spending weeks trying to convince myself I would be okay if we didn't have another baby.

I was terrified to go to our first appointment. My last ultrasound I had was when I miscarried at 12 weeks. I can remember that day and every single emotion as if it were yesterday. Our appointment went great though! I'm due December 25! What a perfect day to be due!

(10 weeks pregnant)

Each appointment has gone great since then! We found out in June we are expecting a Boy! We can't wait to meet him! I still get that horrible scared feeling inside before we go to every appointment but its getting better with each appointment.

Brinlee loves to talk to him and tell him stories about her day. She is always so worried about hugging me to tight and squishing him! If she ever thinks she hugged me to tight she starts talking in her super baby voice to him asking him if hes okay. She is hilarious. She'll be a great big sister! I'm 24 weeks today and he is moving like crazy!

I feel so blessed to be a mom and to have this opportunity to have another baby. Even though it was unbelievably hard to go through infertility problems I would do it again to have this amazing blessing.

We have our big ultrasound this Tuesday so more updates to come :)

Brinlee 3 Year Pics

2011-08-16T10:51:00.004-06:00

Brinlee's 3 Year Updates:

*She thinks she is 13 not 3! She wants to be outside with all of her neighborhood friends ALL day and fights with us like shes 13 when she has to come in!

*She is getting so good at singing her ABC's and counting to 20!

*She starts Pre-School this year and she is SO excited!

*Her favorite food this year has been Mickey Mouse chicken nuggets from Costco and Broccoli

*She loves to play on the swingset at Gma and Gpa's (My parents)

*Her favorite stuffed animal is still her Pink Hippo my mom bought when I was pregnant with Brin!

*She loves to say prayers at night and at meals. She is so good at it now too! Its so cute to hear her and every now and then peek at her face while she says them - she gets this look of pure concentration, its darling.

*She LOVES Nursery at church. Loves is even an understatement. ALL through Sacrament she loudly asks every 2 minutes is it time for Nursery yet.

*She likes to "read" stories to us at bedtime now. Each one always starts with "Once upon a time"

*Every morning without fail she wakes up, comes to find me - no matter what I happen to be doing, and puts her arms in the air and announces "It's morning time mommy!" There has been a few mornings she wakes up way too early and if I try to tell her its not morning time quite yet she'll make me come to her room and look out the window and if the sun is even barely up she'll say "SEE Mommy it IS morning time!" This summer the sun came out around 6 ish and with being pregnant that was not morning time for me ;)

*A few weeks ago her and I were leaving walmart and she tells me "Hey old lady drive faster!" Lol. I have NO idea where she even came up with that.

*Yesterday Ry and I were talking about something and I realized she was making this awful sound in the background so I stopped and asked her what on earth she was doing and she says "Mommy and Daddy talk and talk and I say ___(the awful sound)___"!

*This summer Ry started working at the golf course just twice a month so he can golf for free. Every morning Brin asks me if Daddy is at his boring job(Nucor) or his fun job(Golf course) then after I tell her which one she gives me her big explanation of why the one is boring and the other is soo fun for her. "The golf course has golf carts that daddy lets me drive and I have my own golf club. Nucor is so boring because there is nothing for me to do there!" Haha I love hearing her stories.

*Ry loves to make breakfast every weekend and Brin loves to help him with it. I on the other hand hate making breakfast. So one morning Brin asks me if Daddy was home and I told her no he is at work and so she says "Cereal then?" and gives me this bummed look!

*Every day I ask her what she wants to do that day and she always tells me "Just hang out together and play toys"

*We have movie nights every weekend with her and every weekend its like we've never done it before. She gets so excited every time for our popcorn and orange julius as if she hasn't had it in sooo long!

*She has always been a Daddy's girl but this summer its been big time! Ry has been putting in our yard all summer and she has been the best assistant for him. My mom bought her her own yard work tools and she just follows Ry around mimicking his every move. When we had our gravel delivered I was out raking with her and our neighbors and all of a sudden she throws her rake down and yells "I hate these stupid rocks!"

*She LOVES to play with playdough and pretend to make cookies with it. She calls it her Maydough and no matter how much I work with her on it she still calls it that. I love hearing her say it though!

*Our cute little neighor Sarah who is 9 always comes and plays with Brin. She is so good with her too, she'll play hide and seek for hours with her. The other day they were playing and every time without fail she would hide in one of two places. Either in her tunnel in the toy room with her legs hanging out kicking with excitement or with her head under her bed and the rest of her body out just giggling the entire time she hid. She is so stinkin' cute!

*Her favorite thing to do right now is sneak attack and give Eskimo kisses! I pretend to not want them and she just laughs while she does everything in her power to get me! The other night she jumped over to me while we were reading stories and says "Give me this cute face!" while she grabbed both sides of my face and pulled me into her and gave me Eskimo kisses and she just laughed and laughed!

This is just a small list of all of the fun new things we get to enjoy with Brinlee. We are so proud to be her parents and love watching her grow and change each day. She is so loving and so energetic! She is always so observant of everything and loves to learn! She reminds us every day to enjoy the little things and remember the important things in life. :)

Circus Party

2011-08-06T17:37:00.002-06:00

Thanks everyone who helped with the party as well as everyone who came! Brinlee felt so special and loved every minute of it!

(Thanks Melissa for letting us use your grass for the bounce house!) Thanks Javis for letting us borrow the Bounce House. Everyone loved it!
"Concessions"

Circus Party!

Game Area: Tattoos, Bubbles, Ring toss, ball toss, and bean bag toss.

Javis and Chaylia - Great friends and neighbors!

Cooper

Kenzi

Trevor

Brinlee :)

Kaylee

Kambri

Tattoos

Michelle, Ashton, and Parker :)

Sarah

Bray

Birthday Girl! Love you!

Happy 3rd Birthday Brin!

2011-07-31T17:31:00.001-06:00

Brin LOVES Spongebob! I rarely let her watch it because I'm not a huge fan. We had a big Circus Birthday Party planned for a week later but she kept telling me she wanted a Birthday Party in our kitchen like Mommy and Daddy's birthday parties. So I surprised her with this them and she loved it! My parents gave her a new bike that she is in love with! We got her some learning activities and games. She had a great 3rd Birthday! We love you little one!

My Little Inspirations

2011-04-04T02:05:00.005-06:00

Over the last two years we've been through more trials than I thought I'd ever be faced with. While we were pregnant with Brinlee we decided we wanted our kids close together. On her first birthday I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant with our second baby. I was 12 weeks 2 days along when I had an ultrasound showing I had miscarried. 2 days past the "safe mark". We were devastated. Words can't describe that type of heartache. 2 months later we found out we were expecting again only to miscarry shortly after. 2 months later same story. During all of this Ry was finishing up school which just added to our stress.

8 months ago we started infertility treatments. For anyone who has had to do this I look up to you. This has been one of the most difficult things to go through and the biggest emotional roller coaster I have had to go on. With all the infertility medicine I've been on I've gained weight like crazy (thank you to the person who posted this fact on their facebook status recently - appreciate it ;) ). I haven't felt like myself for months. Each month is one battle to another. Wanting to have hope but being faced with the disappointment and the feeling of failure at the end of each month. The worst part is watching family and friends expecting and wanting so desperately to be happy and excited for them but feeling your heart just ache and fighting back tears every time your around them.

Through all of this I've learned so much about myself, my family, and my marriage. Life is not what we expect it to be. I feel so blessed to have an amazing husband, beautiful daughter, and wonderful family and friends. We are all faced with trials we can't imagine ever getting through, yet somehow we do. We make it through each day and become stronger than the previous day. I think the number 1 thing I've gained out of all of this is to make the most out of today! Do the things you dream of doing. Live your life exactly how you want to. Don't wait until tomorrow. Make goals and work hard to achieve them. Only you choose how your life will be. Everyone is going to have bad things happen, it's our choice how we let those things affect us. Even in the worst of times there will be something positive if you look for it.

I've started making small changes in my life and trying to make the best out of each day. I have spent more time with Brin and love the quality time we have together. She is such a blessing in my life and she inspires me every day. That's where my choice to begin my own business came from. I have always loved to bake and decorate cakes but never thought about doing it as a business. Brinlee helped build my confidence as I practiced new recipes - each one "oh wow mommy this is SOOO nummy"! After lots of trial and error I started selling my Cupcakes at the Yogurt Factory this last month and it has been so fun and therapeutic to do! I've also made the decision to finish my degree - in computer engineering. Not the easiest route but life's not supposed to be easy right ;) . I'm really excited to start this new chapter in my life and feel so blessed to be where I'm at no matter how hard it was to get here.

Lastly, just wanted to share this quote and scripture that I have thought about everyday for the last year or so and has helped me through each day.

"The past is behind, learn from it.

The future is ahead, prepare for it.

The present is here, live it."

President Thomas S. Monson

"Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest."

Joshua 1:9 (also 2010 YW)

Tangled

2011-04-04T00:28:00.003-06:00

I threw a little Tangled party for Brinlee and friends. We made mini pizzas and I had put together little favor/treat bags for each little one and my sis in law Tacie grabbed us little popcorn bags from Walker Cinemas. We played a cute game, pin/tape the crown on the princess (which I didn't get pictures of). It turned out cute and fun for the kids! :)

Mickey Dance

2011-04-03T04:45:00.001-06:00

I was talking with Chaylia, my neighbor/great friend, the other day about Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and our girls dancing to the song they sing. I found this post from when Brin was little and danced to it, she is so dang cute! It's so crazy how quickly time flies by! Go watch the cute video (click on video)! Goal this week - record Brin doing cute things like this! :)

Cakes and Cupcakes

2011-04-02T09:29:00.005-06:00

Smores Cupcakes Oreo Cupcakes

Vanilla Cupcakes

Chocolate Fudge Cupcakes

Raspberry Lemonade Cupcakes

Marble Cupcakes

First Day of School

2011-03-15T09:22:00.000-06:00

Brinlee started preschool this week and just loves it! She's learning so much already and making lots of new friends. Everytime I go pick her up she runs out smiling as big as she can and showing me what craft or coloring she did that day! :)

Happy Birthday to Me :)

2011-02-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

Meet Bentley

2011-02-23T10:17:00.002-07:00

We got a puppy!

Little Bentley was born on December 9 and is a little miracle puppy!

Here's his story:

My friend Becca and her husband Travis had just had their baby quite a few weeks early. They came home from the hospital to find out their dog Tulley (sp?) was pregnant. The vet told them she was going to have the pups within the next week or two but watch her carefully because if she had them by herself outside in her kennel the puppies would most likely die when they were born from hitting the freezing cement on their heads.

About a week later Travis had checked on her before work and she was fine. A little while later Becca felt like she should go out and check on her again and sure enough she was having a puppy right then. She called Travis and he told her to take Tulley and the puppy inside and help her deliver the rest. Before she went in she saw another puppy in the dog house and it felt frozen and wasn't moving at all. Travis told her to just leave it there and he'd take care of it when he got home. Right as she was about to get up she saw its paw move just a tiny bit..so she took him inside and put him on the heater vent and he ended up being just fine and the chubbiest of the 8!

Poor Becca and Travis had to put up with me coming to see him just about every day for 3 weeks until we decided he was weaned enough and took him home at 5 weeks! Thanks again you guys! :)

He is the sweetest little puppy! We just love him! He went from being a puppy to a dog between weeks 6 and 7 ;) ! He is so hyper all the time! Brinlee LOVES to just have him chase her all around the house and it only took him until he was 6 weeks old to be able to catch up to her!

This is my first dog - EVER! Its been great having him! He has been so easy to train, I was shocked how easy it was to potty train him! Anyways heres a few pics of our sweet new puppy! Enjoy!

Brinlee loved Bentley's cage - she would run and run while Bentley would chase her then she'd hurry and hide in his cage and just giggle!

Cake Decorating

2011-02-23T09:58:00.003-07:00

About a year ago I had the opportunity to make this big ol' cake for Young Womens. Ry got my mom and I the best gift ever for Christmas - Wilton Cake Decorating Classes every saturday for three months! We have done only 3 classes so far and we can't believe how much we've learned! I already want to re-make this cake and see if it could look better and not so sloppy! :)

Living Life

2011-02-02T09:17:00.002-07:00

Life is not a race - but indeed a journey. Be honest. Work Hard. Be choosy. Say, "thank you", and "great job" to someone each day. Go to church, take time for prayer. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh. Let your handshake mean more than pen and paper. Love your life and what you've been given, it is not accidental. Search for your purpose and do it as best you can. Dreaming does matter. It allows you to become that which you aspire to be. Laugh often. Appreciate the little things in life and enjoy them. Some of the best things really are free. Do not worry, less wrinkles are more becoming. Forgive, it frees the soul. Take time for yourself. Plan for longevity. Recognize the special people you've been blessed to know.

Live for today, enjoy the moment.

-Bonnie Mohr

Happy 25th Birthday Ry!

2011-01-05T10:11:00.000-07:00

Ry had a great birthday this year! I couldn't top last year though - US open tickets weren't exactly in our budget again this year now that we have a mortgage! I surprised him with a little birthday party. I told him his parents were coming over for cake and such but I also invited my two best friends, Angie and Kate, his two best friends, Doug and Russell. He was WAY surprised! It was a really fun night and we're grateful for such wonderful family and friends!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-27T10:08:00.001-07:00

Here are a few of our Christmas time pictures. We had a wonderful Christmas this year! Our new house only took 60 days to build and its BEAUTIFUL! We couldn't be happier with it! We closed on Dec 18 so we were all moved in by Christmas! Thanks again to Sierra Homes for making it all happen! What a great company to work with!

Christmas Village

2010-12-17T08:55:00.003-07:00

We took Brinlee to the Christmas Village in Brigham. She loved looking at all the houses and seeing the little elves working in each. Her name was even on Santa's "Nice" List!

Frosty the Snowman

2010-12-15T08:45:00.000-07:00

Brin and Ry building a snowman in my parents backyard! She had so much fun and looked darling in the snow clothes that were mine when I was her age!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I completely forgot to take any pictures on Thanksgiving! My dad took a few while we were eating though so at least we have these! Thanks Dad!

Nucor

2010-11-01T09:16:00.000-06:00

He did it!

After the LONGEST interview process EVER he got the job!

He is now an Accountant at Nucor!

Good job Ry, all that hard work is finally paying off! :)

Happy Birthday Dad!

2010-10-05T08:35:00.000-06:00

We had a Pirate Birthday party for my dad's Birthday! We had so much fun!

Happy Birthday Dad! :)

Peach Days 2010

2010-09-12T09:53:00.001-06:00

Peach days was so fun as always! The parade was great and the bbq at my parents afterwards was so yummy! :)

Happy Birthday Ang!

2010-09-04T09:57:00.000-06:00

One of my best friends, Angie, had her Birthday recently. We had so much fun going out to celebrate! Happy Birthday Ang!

Brin's 2nd Birthday Party

2010-08-01T09:49:00.000-06:00

Kristy, Jodie, & Noah came up to celebrate Brin's birthday!

Brin and Noah had so much fun swimming and playing the swingset!

Thanks again for coming up to celebrate with us :)

Happy 2nd Birthday Brinlee!

2010-07-31T09:30:00.000-06:00

Brinlee's 2nd Birthday! She wanted a Winnie the Pooh themed party this year! Well from March - July 30th.. the day before her birthday she told me she wanted a Mickey Mouse themed party! Lil stinker - next year I'll wait until the week of to plan :)

We were so excited to make this balloon arch...BUT it ended up being a crazy windy day so it got ruined all of five minutes it was up - oh well Brinlee still loved it!

It started to rain towards the end of her party so very few people remembered to take one of these little thank you's home with them...they became our Sacrament treats for weeks!

This isn't in order but we walked into Brin's room that morning singing Happy Birthday to her.

I had so much fun making these cupcakes! There was four different kinds:

Winnie the Pooh - Yellow and Red batter cupcakes

Eeyore - Blue and Purple batter cupcakes

Piglet - Hot Pink and Light Pink batter cupcakes

Tigger - Orange and Black batter cupcakes

I had Macey's make her cute birthday cake.

Cali and the Fourth

2010-07-10T17:36:00.009-06:00

We had the opportunity to go on a fabulous 1o day vacation just the two of us. My wonderful mom kept Brinlee while we were gone and spoiled her like crazy! We drove through the night which was an experience in and of itself! Trying to stay awake was hilarious. But we did and could barely keep our eyes open while we were in San Francisco the next morning! We had intentions to ride over to Alcatrez while we were there but they were sold out, maybe next time!

I don't understand how anyone lives here! It was crazy busy and the streets were insane!! I had a few panic attacks when we would be driving over what seemed to be a small hill and would turn into a massive straight down cliff! Poor Ryan, he probably thought I was a nut! I was freaking out thinking we were going to go tumbling down these hills!

I adore this house! The colors and flowers are fabulous!

We saw these elephant seals along the coast, they were funny to watch! They kept getting in fights and the way their bodies move was awesome!

Sprinkles Cupcakes. FABULOUS! Enough said.

We had 5 day passes for Disneyland. Our first day their systems were down so we got day passes for free so we ended up with 6 days there. It was a blast. Since we had so many days we decided to sleep in, play at the pool/beach all day then head to the park at 5 until close! That was the best way to go to Disneyland! It was great!

I didn't know until we were there that Ry isn't a fan of rides. Seriously. You'd think he would have told me this while we were planning our 5 day Disneyland trip! Haha, but he sucked it up and ended up being just fine! I had to get one picture of him being scared of getting sick! :)

This old man made my day! He knew EVERYTHING there was to know about Disneyland. He was quizzing all of us on so many things. He cracked us up. What a sweet guy!

So supposedly Star Tours is closing for good. Our first day there they said it was the last few days it was open. I still haven't checked to see if that is legit or not. Classic Disneyland ride though!

I would go to Disneyland again just to see World of Color! It was AMAZING!! We somehow scored tickets front row and center! We got drenched and had a blast!

We had a great 4th of July! Brinlee's birthday post will coming soon!

Summer?

2010-06-07T09:30:00.004-06:00

These first two pictures have nothing to do with Summer. It was my friend Stacey's birthday last week so I decided to make her a fun cake...I had this beautiful cake imagined in my head and was sure I could create that image. To make a long story short...I have no artistic qualities and it ended up looking like an Easter basket. Ha! Oh well at least it tasted good right?

Summer is finally here! Maybe? It has been sunny then raining every other day the last few weeks! Last week we woke up and saw it was mostly sunny and ran as fast as we could to get into our swimsuits and head outside to enjoy the beautiful/hot sun! We got out Brinlee's new little pool and she loved it!

I am in LOVE with her cute little leopard swimming suit! She is such a doll! :)

OH, and you can't really tell in these pictures but she got her first haircut! I took her to the cutest place called Cookie Cutters. I couldn't believe how cute it is! They had a little pink car for her to sit in while she got her hair cut and they let you pick out a movie to watch on your own little TV. THEN they spray glitter in their hair when they are all done! It was so fun and she sat there so so good! I was so worried she would be a squirm worm and her hair would ended up cut funny but it turned out great!

Now if only it would be consistently hot each day we could enjoy

our nice little backyard/tiny pool more often :)

Crazy Coupon Lady?

2010-05-17T23:36:00.002-06:00

Yes..that would be me!!

and I'm proud of it!

---

Beginning Total: $195.00

Ending Total: $80.00

Total Saved: $115.00

It felt GREAT walking out the store with my overfull shopping cart and knowing I had only spent that much!

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow is a kind of double coupon day at Smiths! Go there it is so so worth it! Most of my coupons I had ended up being for items that were already on sale so we got quite a few things for free or for less than a dollar when they were originally over 3 or 4 dollars!

I say kind of a double coupon day because the deal is the coupon has to be for one item, be under a dollar and regardless the amount they will make it a dollar.

Ex:

*coupon for .35 off...you will get a dollar off.

*coupon for .65 off...you will still get a dollar off.

(also, it can't be for something like .40 off of two, just off of one)

Check out these fabulous websites I use...

http://www.freebies2deals.com/

www.refundcents.com

www.coupons.com

www.smartsource.com

ALSO, always check the actual manufacturers websites. You can find way good deals there too. A lot of these website allow you to print more than one coupon which is how we got 3 free boxes of the Suddenly Salad. Great great deals! Way worth the time to print them off. The websites make it so easy, you just simply go through and click the little box on all the ones you want and only have to push print once instead of dealing with slowly printing one at a time! Easy! :)

This little squirt was my#1 helper! She loved helping bring groceries in,

taking them out of their bags, and setting them on the table!

She became a little possessive over the bags of cookies/pretzels! She kept telling us "I want more cookies" and yes this is her first whole sentence! She has put together 2 words or so for a while now but perfectly clear..

"I want more cookies!"

----My cute little family! Thanks for your help finding all of our great deals tonight!

I love you two! :)

Mothers Day

2010-05-14T16:33:00.002-06:00

I had a great Mothers Day! Ry surprised me in the morning with a sweet card and inside was a list of details for a scavenger hunt around our house to find all of my gifts. It was really fun...Kambri, Kaylee, and Brinlee helped me find all the presents!

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He had gotten me everything I would need to have a spa at home.

*New bubble bath

*One of those neck pillows and eye covers

*Face Mask

*A new hand mirror(he broke mine forever ago ;) )

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That night while I was getting the girls dinner made he was in our room/bathroom getting it all set up. He put candles all throughout both rooms. He brought in a chair and covered it with comfy blankets and put my foot spa in front of it. He had my FAV show paused and ready for me to watch. He had a bubble bath all ready and my favorite music playing in the background! It was so great! It was so so relaxing and just what I needed! Thanks Ry! :)

Movie Night!

2010-05-14T16:23:00.002-06:00

Kambri and Kaylee stayed the night with us Sunday night while their parents were on a fun vacation! We had a movie night and they got to pick the movie and treats. They were so so excited! They wanted to have ALL the animals with them. I had no idea what they meant by this when they told me earlier that day. While I was popping popcorn they went through every toy box to find any stuffed animal/baby and set them up nicely along all couches and the recliner! Then they found some of Brinlee's play food for the animals and babies to eat during the movie! Oh they are so creative! They brought their chairs from the kitchen into the living room to sit on too. We watched Alvin and the Chipmunks and every time the chipmunks would sing and dance all three girls would be running around the living room singing and dancing right along with them! We had such a fun night!

Graduation

2010-05-14T15:40:00.006-06:00

It really happened! Ry Graduated! YAY! All of his hard work has finally paid off! He officially has a Bachelors in Accounting! We had so much fun celebrating all day! Here are pictures from the wonderful day :)

I got Ry a new journal to write all about post grad life! AND a new watch! I spent a week looking for the perfect watch to get him and I finally found it! He has wanted a nice watch since we got married, every time we are in any store I'll find him just staring at new watches! :)

Tac and I!

My Dad watching the crazy kids run around!

Okay I had to take a picture of this...for at least a year now every time we go into Sams Club Ry looks at their Brisket and he's always said he wants to have that for his graduation BBQ..so we got it! It was a hit! Everyone loved it!

One of my best friends Jenn and her cute little boy Ben, this little guy can give THE best looks ever! I am determined to get a picture of this one day, he is so stinkin cute!

Jenn and sweet baby Thomas!

Little stinker would look up at me smiling then hurry and turn when I took the picture!

Russell and Ry

This was hilarious to watch! These girls are so cute together!

Ry, Me, Monty(Ry's Dad), and Cute Kambri

Us with my Wonderful Parents!

Thanks everyone for all of your support and love we wouldn't be where we are without it! :)

Easter Pictures 2010

2010-04-26T09:54:00.004-06:00

Decorating Cookies with her cute cousins! She just loves them!

Amazed at how big and clear Barney was on Gma's tv!

Happy Early Birthday Mom!

2010-04-25T09:34:00.000-06:00

I love birthdays! I wanted to make my Mom's birthday a little more special this year so I got a few cute pink decorations to add to our dinner and cake! The best part..while I was checking out at the store with the decorations the checker asked me "Oh how cute, is this for your little girl? Is she turning 3?" I didn't even have Brinlee with me. Haha it was funny. It may have been cheesy but birthdays should be fun and more special than just dinner like any other day! I made a blog book of maily Brinlee from before she was born until now. It turned out so cute! blurb.com go there! It is fabulous what you can do! Anyways, I hope my mom had a great "early" birthday party and has a great actual birthday! We love you Mom!

Miskin's Homecoming

2010-04-18T09:28:00.000-06:00

My cute friend Danielle Miskin came home from her mission this last week! We were able to go to her homecoming and she gave the BEST talk! I look up to her and her example. She is such an amazing person and I just love her! :)

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We went to Ry's parents for Dinner afterwards and I took a few pictures of Brinlee is her cute new dress!

Willow Park

2010-04-17T09:20:00.000-06:00

We took Brinlee to Willow Park to look at all the little animals! All she cared about was anything that resembled a ball in each animal cage. We took her to play on the playground after and she had so much fun! I'm so excited its getting to be nice outside so we aren't stuck inside all day! :)

Zoo

2010-04-16T09:43:00.002-06:00

We had such a fun day at the Zoo! Katelin, Easton, Brin and I headed down to meet Dana, Colter, and Hadlee at the Zoo! It ended up being a cloudy day but it was still so fun! All the kids were so dang cute looking at the different animals, riding the train, and the carousel.

Thanks for inviting us Dana!

Miracles

2010-04-12T22:05:00.004-06:00

Last Wednesday I experienced nothing less than a miracle. I. Woke. Up. At. 6:00 am. YES. I said 6:00 am. If you know me your eyes should be big right now. AND. I went to the GYM! I know, I know. This is the best news you have heard all week. Ha. It's not that big of a deal for most but for me it is! Not only did I do this on Wednesday..but also on Thursday, Saturday, and today! AND I plan on going everyday but Sunday each week! The best part...I LOVE IT and it's honestly not that hard to wake up that early! I don't know why I never gave it a chance before! That's all!

Today was one of those BIG milestones...

2010-04-12T21:35:00.002-06:00

Three things happened that were fabulous today...

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1. Brinlee learned how to blow her nose by herself! Words can't describe how excited we were! Lately she acts as if we are attempting to kill her to just simply wipe her nose! Now she can do it herself! Huge MILESTONE! ...and I couldn't be more proud!

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2. We went to my friend Jenn's to play with the boys and they have an empty lot (soon to be Julee's, yay!) right behind their house. Brinlee followed the boys right on out there and had a blast playing in the dirt for hours! I was so proud! It was her first experience playing in dirt! Haha. . Ya this really doesn't sound as cool as it was at the moment! But still I love that she is girly..but loves to play with cars, play ball, and play in the dirt with the boys! That's my girl! :)

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3. She had her very first whole apple! I got over my paranoia of her choking and let her have one and she LOVED it! I love when we find new foods she loves!

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My goal this week is to remember my camera when we go places so days like today I have pictures to remember even those small moments playing in the dirt :)

Easter

2010-04-08T14:01:00.004-06:00

Happy Easter! I was dumb and didn't take pictures of Brinlee finding her eggs and basket when she woke up because we were recording her on the video camera! But here are a few from before we left to see our families!

Getting ready for Daddy's Mission Reunion

Cheese!

As soon as I get pictures from both parents from Easter Day I'll update them here!

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Some of Brinlee's favorite things right now are...

*"JUMP" she recently learned how to jump and she loves to yell JUMP as she jumps all over our house all day!

*Anything that remotely looks like a ball she loves!

*Favorite words: WHOA and UH OH..just as I type this I heard her say those two things in the other room!

*Favorite Treat: Skittles

*OBSESSED with babies! She carries around her doll ALL day long! She goes everywhere with us and has to eat with us each meal and has to have her own baby bottle to go to bed with at night!

*She has fabulous mom skills already! Haha I think she is better than me already! She LOVES to clean! She could pretend to mop and vacuum all day! It's the only two "toys" she cries over! She loves to pretend to make meals and makes sure all of her animals and babies are fed multiple times a day! With other peoples babies she is so worried about them! At YW this week Jenn brought Thomas her new baby and Brinlee was so concerned about him the entire time, she had to make sure he had his little beanie on and would get upset if I didn't put it all the way on him. She would make sure he had his Binky at all times. Which is funny to me because she never took a Binky and yet she just knew what to do with it and that he would want it! She's too cute!

*She still LOVES bath time!

*She got a few new animals for Easter and we now have to take not only the baby everywhere with us but also her new duck, bunny, and monkey! AND her baby blanket! Seriously it's hilarious to watch me attempt to load her and all of it at the same time into the car!

*She loves dogs! She gets so excited whenever she sees a dog on TV or just anywhere!

*She is starting to mimic everything I do and say which has been really fun the last few days!

That's all I can think of for now! :)

Treehouse Again...

2010-03-30T18:46:00.003-06:00

(Yes, I am fully aware I need my hair colored and cut asap!)

She was SO scared of this stuffed Gorilla! She kept walking past him yelling "NO NO"!

She absolutely LOVES this Firetruck!

She learned how to say "Cheese" when we are taking pictures of her!

This is her glaring at you look...she thinks she is pretty tough!

Life Can Be Hard Sometimes

2010-03-28T19:18:00.005-06:00

Sunday is the due date

for you to be born.

But all I have is

an emptiness to mourn.

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This should have been the time

for the anticipation of your arrival.

But no one seems to be remembering

to share in my grief and sorrow.

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You were a life

created from love.

You were a gift

that was sent from above.

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Why couldn't you join us

to become a family of four.

You'd have had parents who loved you

and a sister whom you'd adore.

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Great Grandma's birthday is getting nearer

The date we told your sister you would be here

Instead of excitement, joy, and celebration

I shed yet another tear.

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Your nursery is still the computer room.

Your bassinet is down in a box.

Your blankies remain folded

With your tiny baby clothes and your cute little socks.

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There isn't a day that goes by

that I haven't thought of you.

Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be

Or how big my tummy would be getting too.

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I know that you have gone

to a much better place.

Knowing that the grace of God

is shining on your face.

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I see another baby

I think of you then too.

Wondering what you'd have looked like

As you giggle, cry, and coo.

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It doesn't make it easier

for the pain I have is still here.

I will never forget you my little one

that fact remains quite clear.

Treehouse

2010-03-17T13:01:00.008-06:00

Ryan and I took Brin to the treehouse yesterday and she had a blast! I've taken her there two other times but the first time she was just learning to walk and couldn't do a whole lot. The second time it was crazy busy! Yesterday was a perfect day to go! There were maybe 10 kids there the whole day! She had so much fun! She LOVES the Fire truck and the Bridge! We spent the majority of our day at those two spots! We had a fun lunch at the Pizza Factory (which is my new FAVORITE place ever to eat! If you haven't been there...GO! Its incredible!)

Sorry for the picture overload!

Just want to have them all on here for when I make my blog book :)

Flu Bug

2010-03-09T15:08:00.004-07:00

I hate the flu! I can't emphasize that enough..I HATE it! Poor little Brinlee started getting sick last Thursday night with a fever first then in the night began throwing up! She was so scared, it was the most sad thing to have to just watch and not make it go away! I felt so bad for her! She never cuddles anymore and for the last few days that's all she wants to do...which I'm not going to lie..I am loving every minute of that part! I just wish I could take away all the sick and she would still cuddle the same ;)

We ended up taking her to the hospital Sunday night since nothing else was open. She had a fever of 103 for about 4 days and Sunday night it shot up to 103.6. She only had thrown up a total of 3 times over that 4 days so we were starting to worry that it was something else going on. They did all sorts of tests, it was so sad. She is such a trooper! We ended up being there for about 3 hours and got home at 1 am! They ended up just coming to the conclusion that it was in fact just a bad flu virus. I felt so bad that we even took her, but yet I'm glad because we at least know what it is and if it happened to have been something worse we could have taken care of it. She is beginning to feel better! I'm glad to see her getting back to herself :)

This has been her favorite spot for the last few days! Its so sad. She typically never hold still for more than a few minutes! She really hasn't felt good :(

Happy Birthday to Me :)

2010-03-09T14:58:00.006-07:00

I had a wonderful Birthday and I SO appreciated everything everyone did for me! I have the best husband and parents anyone could ask for!! I stayed the night at my parents because Ry had to work during the day on Saturday. My Mom, great friends Ang and Deb, and I went to my FAV place to eat, El Matador. It was so so yummy! Then we went to see When in Rome, it was such a cute movie! My cute cousin Jacey watched Brinlee for me while we went to play! Thanks again Jac! My parents had Karen make me a super cute birthday cake(The sweet lady who has made my birthday cakes every year since I was one or two, she makes the BEST cakes ever..I only wish for a small portion of her talent!)

(We used my parents camera while I was there so I don't have those pictures quite yet)

When I got home Ry was still at work so I wasn't expecting anything. I was honestly slightly dreading coming home because we had left in such a hurry a few days before that I hadn't had a chance to clean up our house and it was in need of some serious TLC! I walked in the door to see a very CLEAN house and cute little Happy Birthday decorations around our living room and kitchen! He had also made a birthday cake for me! He is so sweet!

I am so grateful for the wonderful husband and parents I have! They truly made my birthday special. Thanks again! I love you guys!

18 Months Old Already

2010-03-03T08:19:00.002-07:00

I LOVE this little girl! She is the most energetic little thing! We had her 18 month pictures taken a few weeks ago and she was not having anything to do with it. She just wanted to explore Amber's house and was so mad at us for making her stay in one place to take pictures! Then she found two ducks and would NOT put them down for anything! We finally gave up trying when she found a purple bumbo seat and wanted it right where the white stool sat. When I attempted to move it she went into hysterics! She cracks me up! Not at the time so much but now its pretty funny! Amber was able to get a few good pictures, none of her really in a normal picture position or smiling but thats okay she is still a cute little stinker! :)

Temple Cake

2010-02-22T19:23:00.001-07:00

I had the opportunity to make a cake of the Salt Lake City Temple. I posted a sort of tutorial on my hobby blog so check it out! :)

Love Day

2010-02-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

I have the best husband! He thinks of the most thoughtful things ever! I didn't think we were going to be able to do much on Valentine's day this year because he was working all day. He ended up being able to get off a little early and I had been at my moms and wasn't planning to be home until 7 ish when I thought he would be off. I came home a little early and he had cleaned our whole house spotless and had candles lit in every room. He had a fabulous bubble bath ready for me with my favorite magazines laid out next to the tub and music on in the background! It was great! While I was in the tub he made us a wonderful dinner and dessert with sparkling cider to drink! He is so sweet and always so thoughtful! I just love him! :)

Happy Valentines Day everyone!